she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
