porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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