My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
