funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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