I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
