oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Someone signed my nipple.
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