I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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