So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
