dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
