apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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