Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize