I'm so fucking centered right now
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can I color on your dick again?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
