FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
