hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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