Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
