I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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