My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i think i just lost a toe
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
