We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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