oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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