Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
