don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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