clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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