Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
