My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
