You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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