when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
