Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
