So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
