I cannot find my penis.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
