I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
