Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
