Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
