I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
