so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize