I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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