Just fell off a train. Bad.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
