I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
