Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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