I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
