wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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