apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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