Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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