Plan B is the new Plan A
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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