I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
