That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
