if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's blow job season.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
