Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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