I'm going to jail i love you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
