Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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