All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
