why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize