I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
