she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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