I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
