You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
