i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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