dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
