Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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