the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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