Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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