I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
