My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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